There is this thing that I have, which is an unhealthy attraction to women who are in distress. I am a total suckachump for a girl whose heart is broken, because it makes me want to hold her and protect her and tell her that everything's gonna be all right.
Yeah. I know. Totally unhealthy. And I didn't recognize it until a few years ago when I was having a serious meltdown with someone who was in my life pretty strongly at the time.
Since then I've tried to work at it. I've made a conscious effort to find strong healthy women attractive. And that's a lot harder than it sounds, because I've discovered that even strong healthy women have these weird neuroses that can make them unhealthy (or unhealthy for me). And there is always a concern that I may be manufacturing an attraction where there really isn't one.
For a while I do okay. I retain my vigilance, and I slowly relax, and I become careless. Until one day I find myself wanting to hold and protect and say "everything's gonna be fine", and I feel the warmth and caring that I know will eventually bite me in the ass yet again.
I can't keep doing that. I need to be able to say "I sympathize, I feel bad for you, I wish I could do something that would make you feel better, but I can't", and let it go. I can't fix everything, or everyone. Hell, I'm not doing that good of a job of fixing myself.
But you know what? That whole thing has defined every relationship I've ever had. I don't know how to be different. I wouldn't know what to do with someone who wasn't needing me to be the protector.
Wow. That's hard stuff for me to admit to. But all of the questioning about love and romance and all of the soul-searching and introspection boils down to that.
I don't know what to do.