Last night, I had a dream involving an old friend of mine from the college days.
Her name was Alicia, and she was absolutely beautiful in that blonde-hair-blue-eyes-perfect-body kind of way. She was also intelligent and funny and a delight to be around. She was a dancer-- ballet mostly-- and had these incredible strong legs. She could definitely hold her own when we wrestled.
When I first met her, she was 16, and introduced herself as "jailbait". I was 24 and horny, so it was a good name for her, but as I got to know her better, she earned the name "cherry cheesecake".
And we were friends. There was always something a little more under the surface, but it never actually amounted to anything, and looking back on it, it's because I was too hesitant.
Anyway, the dream.
I was coming to her house to pick her up for a photo shoot. Her Dad was home, and I hadn't ever met him before, so when he found out I was into photography, he decided to show us the movies that he had made when he was younger. As we watched them, Alicia kept touching me surreptitiously, as if to let me know that she wanted to be with me.
That's when I noticed that she had a really hairy back. Like covered with fur. And it was dark fur, like a deep auburn color. It was something she was keeping secret, like she didn't want me to find out. I wanted to reassure her that I loved her even if she was furry, but she was so much wanting to keep it hidden that I didn't want to let on that I knew.
I also remember that the carpet in her house was a deep reddish-purple. That was significant in some way, but I don't remember why.
While we watched the video, it was some sort of class or symposium from the past, and her mom was in there. It was like we got a glimpse of what the younger Papa had seein in Mama when she was younger.
It felt like love.
Bear in mind that I never met Alicia's real father. He had split a long time ago. Her Mom was a bit wacko, and thought of me as a dirty old man because I was friends with her 17-year-old daughter.
Now as it turns out, Alicia was best friends with Dawn, who would a bit later become my wife. And as it turns out, Alicia was rather into triads, meaning that her strong relationships usually involved herself, her boyfriend, and another girlfriend. And there was a time that she was considering moving in with Dawn and I, and we all slept together in the big king-sized bed. It didn't work out, because she decided to move out to Detroit, but there is always a place in my heart for what could have been.
I didn't understand at the time. I was an idiot when it came to relationships, and I really had no right getting married when I did. But I thought I knew. And when Dawn and I split up, I lost touch with Alicia.
Alicia is married now. She just got married recently in fact, and she's still living in Michigan. And she's still beautiful.
And she doesn't really have a hairy back.
Aside from dreaming about Alicia who I don't think I've ever dreamed about before, it's not about her, but what she represents. An old attraction, chances not taken, someone who was more mature in relationships than I was, beauty. The hair-- secrets, something to mar the illusion of perfection. My response-- acceptance of imperfection, love beyond the surface, but not being comfortable enough to broach the subject.
Attraction without trust? It certainly fits with last night's post.