Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

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It's monday. It seems that an inordinate amount of time is spent referencing mondays, even on not-mondays.

I've managed to get to a stopping point a little earlier than I had planned. The boss is gone, so I can't really hit him up for the details of the next step, so I'm doing code grooming: little nitpicky detail about coding conventions, commenting, little cleanup bits here and there.

And my mind is wandering...

I feel odd. Like I'm not myself, but instead somebody else. Someone who codes for a living, and goes on business trips, someone whose life is simpler and cleaner and more *boring* than what I know is really mine.

In synaesthetic terms, it feels rounder, cooler, more of a blue-green, and shinier, almost metallic. It has a kind of substance, thicker and less lively. Oddly, more confident, though it seems to be more of a confidence born out of ignorance.

My real life is much more threaded. It has the firey color of hot pepper sauce, a blend of textures combined too small to make out a single one, but generally more organic like cotton, and splayed out with tendrils all over the place. It's much more like cloth, soft and comforting, and with a sense of wonder and awe.

It seems to be akin to a choice between style and substance, between looking good and being comfortable. I'm all about the comfortable part. :)

To me, it's more a matter of where I want to put my energy. If I'm comfortable, I'm more likely to be better able to perform my best. If I'm conscious of style, or uncomfortable in my clothes, it detracts from my ability to do the best I can. It's not all or nothing-- I can certainly understand style, and I do have an eye for composition-- but for me, it's substance first.

So something is bothering me, and it's being elusive. I understand that I'm bothered, but I can't put my finger on it. Every time I try, my brain goes looping around on something meaningless. It's distracting, which I suppose is the point.

I feel like I'm missing something. Some connection I'm not making. Some happy thing.

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